Reviews

Wilmer Valderrama Reviews Sex With Katy Perry

Each week BWN special correspondent Wilmer Valderrama reviews the sexual prowess of the various Hollywood starlets he has bedded during his illustrious career.  This week, Wilmer reviews pop music superstar Katy Perry

By Wilmer Valderrama

Insofarasmuch as popular music singer Katy Perry were concerning, I only first met of her to ask she if was a relation to another popular singer of music under the name of Tom Petty.  Perhaps he were her uncle?  There are much similarities between their final names.  Alas, but she says they were not.  I find it peculiar because they are both singers and this many times will run through a family.  And there is similarities among their final names, of course.

Amongst all the women I will have made love to only a single circumstance, Katy Perry is one of those.  Did she use me of course she did!  I am only the meat to her Katy Perry sandwich.  I have feelings too Katy Perry!  At the first of the very beginning upon initially meeting with pop star Katy Perry, I was tremendously impressive with her bosom, which resembles mounds of rubble in the aftermath of an attack on the Japanese port city of Hiroshima somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean.  They were delectable, other than words.

I am trying to remember if Katy Perry were on American Idol?  I am quite certain she is not on Bosom Buddies, is she?  What was Bosom Buddies?  Katy Perry invited I, Wilmer Valderrama, to her posh hotel room where she keeps her implements of pain and pleasure.  She did not use the pleasure ones on me.  It is unlike a man such as me to sob without controllably, but Katy Perry have been able to accomplish such as this.

For her sexual congress on me, Katy Perry makes us listen at a song titles entitled “Eye of the Tiger” which makes Rocky train harder for an upcoming bout and empowers young ladies across the land.  I, Wilmer Valderrama, will from now looking forward can only associate this song with humiliation and degradation.  I scrub and scrub but can’t become clean again.

2 out of 4 Wilmer Valderrama’s

 

 

Wilmer Valderrama Reviews Sex with Amy Schumer

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Each week BWN special correspondent Wilmer Valderrama reviews the sexual prowess of the various Hollywood starlets he has bedded during his illustrious career.  This week, Wilmer reviews comedian and star of The Amy Schumer Show, Amy Schumer.

By Wilmer Valderrama

First off, number one and above all else, I under appreciate a girl with a potty mouth.  It is anti-ladyluck.  And stop telling me whatever I shall do.  I am performed cunnilingus on my own terms and not only because you having forced me too.

The brilliant comedian Amy Schumer is not demure.  She is demonic.  Those were a play on words.  I, Wilmer Valderrama, having made love on hundreds of woman, were at a loss for worse.  She defiled myself.  No meaned no, Amy Schumer!  I am no longer your slave boy.  She mad me leave the lights illuminated and hurt me with leather straps and various apparatus.

And but however, she, the comedian Amy Schumer, has burned her memory on my mind like a fiery ember made of burning flames of fire.  I am like a poet and she becomes my moose.  The jokes you make at my expanse were hurtful and barbarian.  It is a perfectly capable size!  Yet however, you will not escaped my mind.  You having sent me on a journey of self-discovery.  Despite your fiery tongue, you are a lady.

4 out of 4 Wilmer Valderrama’s

 

Wilmer Valderrama Reviews Sex With Lindsay Lohan

 

Each week BWN special correspondent Wilmer Valderrama reviews the sexual prowess of the various Hollywood starlets he has bedded during his illustrious career.  This week, Wilmer reviews Mean Girls and The Parent Trap star, Lindsay Lohan.

By Wilmer Valderrama

It was all those years ago where I first made steamy passionate lovemaking on Lindsay Lohan.  I met the first Miss Lohan as she were devouring copious piles of cocaine and methamphetamine.  She claimed it is sugar piles but I am not born under a turnip ship.

Miss Lohan and I were my first serious girlfriend.  She has tremendous bears.  They are tremendous bursts.  Beasts.  They are breasts.   Like honeysuckles.  Or melons.  Let’s move forward.

We and Lindsay dated for much longer.  She is the first girl who put her tongue on my bung hole.  It was such magic.  She is somewhat unclean.  Sometimes when I am recalling Lindsay it makes my face become red.  She did things that I dare not relate to you.

I am still in love with poor Miss Lohan despite all her tribulations.  There was many things she performed in sexual congress which earned her high marks.  I believe she has very small self esteem.  She should have earns a perfect score, but because of that times that she defecated on my chest, I have removed one Wilmer Valderrama.

3 out of 4 Wilmer Valderrama’s

 

Wilmer Valderrama Reviews Sex With Amanda Knox

Each week BWN special correspondent Wilmer Valderrama reviews the sexual prowess of the various Hollywood starlets he has bedded during his illustrious career.  This week, Wilmer reviews convicted murderess and international sex kitten Amanda Knox.

By Wilmer Valderrama

I am afraid she would has murder me the entire time I penetrate her vaginal cavity with Mini-Wilmer Valderrama.  I, being Wilmer Valderrama.  Mini-Wilmer Valderrama being my junk.  If you know what I mean.  Her is Amanda Knox.  She was murdered people in the past ago sometimes.  What do you think of this name for my junk, Mini-Wilmer Valderrama?  It is a nickname I am trying out.

I made up nickname for Amanda Knox also as well.  It is Foxy Amanda.  When she was just a teenage woman she butchered someone but she is better at it now.  She did not kill that girl.  What?  I thought you say…Okay everyone who has reading this.  Listen.  Amanda Foxy murdered nobody.  Okay, she has leaved the room.  I am certainly she killed that girl.

Making love with a beautiful girl young who is determine to murder you at climax is a sexy adventure.  She is at first only passions until she cums once and then she convinces you that you should dead because you will orgasm the shit out of it and then peacefully be murdered and it will awesome.  Mini-Wilmer Valderrama was his tallest he have ever begun!  If you know what I mean.

Knoxy Amanda finally did not murder me in the end.  I believe my penis, Mini-Wilmer Valderrama, was too strong and regaled her with pleasurable waves of orgasms until she was unable to hold the knife.  Did I mention that she had a knife?  It was scary and confusing and Mini-Wilmer Valderrama was exasperated.  I remove one Wilmer Valderrama for her final ranking for the afraid and confusion she caused.

3 out of 4 Wilmer Valderrama’s

 

 

Wilmer Valderrama Reviews Sex With Jennifer Lawrence

Each week BWN special correspondent Wilmer Valderrama reviews the sexual prowess of the various Hollywood starlets he has bedded during his illustrious career.  This week, Wilmer reviews The Hunger Games and American Hustle star, Jennifer Lawrence.

By Wilmer Valderrama

Jennifer Lawrence is a very special actress.  But not in a learning disabled way, as special suggests, but in a different way.  Like being better than others.  She is also very attracted to a man like me, who is special in my own way.

I first understood of Jennifer Lawrence when I captured her movie, The Hunger Games.  The film was very intelligent.  It was too intelligent.  It was so intelligent that most filmgoers were unable to understand it at all.  And I am one of those.  Luckily, Jennifer Lawrence was graced by the screen, so there was something good to watch.  I knew we would get along very sexually in an erotic way if we were to meet.

It is very lucky for a man like me that Jennifer Lawrence likes to drink a lot on some occasions.  She was so drunk that she did not understand how I did not understand this movie she was in called The Hunger Games.  It possesses very little food imagery.  I wonder if you should be highly intoxicated to understand it.  In much the similar way one should consume certain drugs before watching The Wizard of Oz.  But not too many, because then the monkeys may return in your nightmare.  It is a delicate balance.

I made love to Jennifer Lawrence in the passenger seat of my Sonata.  It is paid for.  The Sonata, not the sex, as I am not a male prostitute.  Although I am been told that it would be a sensible career move.  For the time being I will sticking with the craft of acting.  Jennifer Lawrence is a very desirable and frightening when she made love to me.  She is stronger than five men.  I have too much pride to press charges that is something that a not so masculine man would partake of.  But I would have a case.

She has no longer called me back nor has she ever.  Nor text messages.  I will not be watching The Hunger Games: Catching Fire because my heart is been broken and I am afraid I would not understand it without the assistance of LSD.  I think about Jennifer Lawrence all the time and even the bad parts that she did with her fingers.

4 out of 4 Wilmer Valderrama’s

 

Wilmer Valderrama Reviews Sex With Taylor Swift

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Each week BWN special correspondent Wilmer Valderrama reviews the sexual prowess of the various Hollywood starlets he has bedded during his illustrious career.  This week, Wilmer reviews Taylor Swift, the Grammy winning singer of hit songs Tim McGraw, I Knew You Were Trouble and Love Story.

By Wilmer Valderrama

Are you not sure that Taylor Swift did not win the Oscar Academy Awards for said songs?  She is a very award winner.  Very teens girl love Taylor Swift and with valid reasons behind this reason.

I was not wearing cologne when I encountered our first meeting between Taylor Swift and myself.  I being Wilmer Valderrama.  The lack of cologne was unsettling for myself because I sometimes can use cologne as a crutch for my social awkwardness, but the lack thereof could often have been used to strengthen my resolve in the art of seduction regarding Taylor Swift.  Therefore.

Taylor Swift is a incredible attracting girl.  Of in her twenties.  But her attractiveness is included by a look that sometimes resembles a person who had encounters a very pungent aroma.  However, I was not wearing cologne.  Being a very handsome man, I am confused by this look.  But we were able to get past it to the lovemaking.

Tim McGraw, who sings cowboy music, was not there.  That is just a fact that I should share because his name appears earlier in this article.  I make love to Taylor Swift soon after introduced myself with her.  I hoped for more passion, but it was just without that.  I don’t think Taylor Swift understands the penis.  There was very little juice, and it was scalded me.

Taylor Swift fell in love with me directly upon my orgasm.  There is no such thing as a bad orgasm, but this one tried to become that.  I have reluctant to extend our romance, for she often still remains to look as if she has smelt something of foul odor.  My name, Wilmer Valderrama, does not rhyme well with other words often, nor does it extend itself into iambic pentameter, therefore I will not be calling Taylor Swift again.

1 and 1/2 out of 4 Wilmer Valderrama’s

 

Wilmer Valderrama Reviews Sex With Cameron Diaz

Each week BWN special correspondent Wilmer Valderrama reviews the sexual prowess of the various Hollywood starlets he has bedded during his illustrious career.  This week, Wilmer reviews Charlie’s Angel’s and There’s Something About Mary star, Cameron Diaz.

By Wilmer Valderrama

First off, I had never met Cameron before the night I met her.  She is not only beautiful, but luxurious as well.  And with a certain grace.  She must be at least six feet tall, or higher.  And she really does seem like there is something about her.  Ha ha ha.  But truly, she is real classy.

The night I met Cameron, I was wearing my white A.P.C. t-shirt with a couple of chains, covered with  a red AVCA hoodie (peace, Trayvon) and a fitted wool Raider’s ball cap, to keep it real.  I was looking tight.  I had never met her before, and she felt the same way.  I could tell.  In my opinion, it was, decidedly, in our favor.  You feel me?

Cameron was very nervous to meet me.  She was so nervous that she passed out before we ever became introduced on our initial meeting.  She may seem real smooth, but she drinks a lot around men who are very handsome.  That is the way I can understand it.

Cameron was passed out when we first met, but she was very happy to meet me.  She has an amazing body for a person of her age group.  She looks very athletic, but I do not sure how strong she is because I did not have to hold her still.  Because she is passed out from alcohol.  At certain points I was sure she was dead!  But she was breathing at the end.  It was real passionate.

I am looking forward to working with Cameron Diaz again in the future someday ahead.  There was a definite spark, and I know she could feel it too if she can someday recall it.  There is definitely something about Cameron Diaz!  Ha ha ha.

3.5 out of 4 Wilmer Valderrama’s

 

Wilmer Valderrama Reviews Sex with Shailene Woodley


 

Each week BWN special correspondent Wilmer Valderrama reviews the sexual prowess of the various Hollywood starlets he has bedded during his illustrious career.  This week, Wilmer reviews Shailene Woodley, star of the films The Descendants and Divergent.

By Wilmer Valderrama

I am not make Shailene Woodley to be with child or pregnant.  That is first of all.  And first of all, Shailene Woodley is unknown with me until I make her acquaintance.  But, first of all, the story of how we meet is unheralded by many.  I met this nubile young actress of the silver screen in the town of Hollywood.

First of all, I always am using prophylactic when engaged in sexual intercourse with an young Hollywood starlet actress.  That is only a safety concern.  Mama explained with me that if such an actress or woman of any kind is compelled to share sex with I, Wilmer Valderrama, then you never know where else she has sexed upon prior to our engagement in love making.  That is sage advice and one from whence I have never strayed.  And, first of all, this is why I did not impregnate Miss Shailene Woodley.

I am one day hope where I am in a relationship with Miss Shailene Woodley.  She ride me like a train.  I am feel ashamed and unclean when we were completed, but in a good way.  I have not seen The Descendants.  Have you?  I wondering whether if Miss Shailene Woodley performs nudely on that film.  Miss Shailene Woodley never allows me to gaze upon her while she engaged me in making of love.  It was pain and lovely.  I am only wonder if I can see her naked on film.  Do you know how to use websites?  I was made to conceal mine eyes beneath blindfolded while she made her way with me.  She may be hairy and smell of onions.  I am unsure.  I think there was two penis.

4 out of 4 Wilmer Valderrama’s

 Wilmer Valderrama is an A-list actor and star of That 70s Show and one would assume that he has tried his hand as a music producer.

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