WASHINGTON D.C.—In an effort to defuse growing hostilities between the law enforcement community and African Americans, today the nation’s highest ranking police official announced a plan to increase the number of fatal police shootings in which the suspect is unarmed and Caucasian.
“It’s only fair, really,” said Grand Moff Commandant Eric Sandford, who commands all the nation’s police forces, “Minorities are killed by cops at a rate of nearly 5,000 to one over whites.”
In fact, the number is startlingly higher, according to Avery Walker, spokesperson for the advocacy group Black Lies Muttered.
“The last time a cop killed a white suspect was in 1974,” Walker said, “And that was just because he shined his flashlight in the guy’s face, causing him to squint, which led the officer to mistake the suspect as Asian.”
While Walker applauded the announcement, he suggested an alternative may be to limit all armed police officers to a single bullet, to be carried in their shirt pockets, but Sandford quickly rejected that idea.
“We’re gonna find a way to kill, whether we have guns or not. We can always club you to death,” Sandford reasoned, “No, I think the best thing to do is just make sure we start killing white guys more regularly. We’ll just have to convince ourselves that all white guys are criminals. We’ve done it with other races, so it shouldn’t be that difficult.”