WASHINGTON, D.C.–Senator John McCain (R-AZ), the chairman of the Senate Armed Services Committee, announced today the formation of a subcommittee to investigate the various plot-holes, coincidences and lack of originality in the latest Star Wars sequel, The Force Awakens. Sen. Tom Cotton (R-AR), a lifelong Star Wars fan and outspoken critic of the hiring of J.J. Abrams to direct the new film, has been selected to chair the subcommittee.
“There are certain things the American people have a right to know,” Cotton said, regarding the subcommittee’s agenda, “How did Rey learn to use a lightsaber so quickly? Was she fast-tracked through her training, like a female Army Ranger? And how is Han and his team able to sneak onto the Starkiller base so easily? Is Chewie Mexican? With a name like that, you have to wonder.”
According to Cotton, many of his constituents have expressed anger that the character of Finn, portrayed by actor John Boyega, is a black man, and a key protagonist in the movie, but he doesn’t feel it is the goal of the subcommittee to address issues of race in the film.
“I don’t want this committee to lose sight of what our true agenda has to be,” Cotton explained, “Which is to gain an understanding as to how exactly Finn and Poe’s tie-fighter crashes on the surface of Jakku so quickly, but the tie-fighters in pursuit take what feels like hours to track them down. Didn’t they leave from the same place at roughly the same time?”
“Besides,” Cotton added, “Finn’s job is in waste management, so his character may be the most realistic portrayal in the film.”
Cotton also pointed out the unlikelihood that Han Solo and Chewbacca would simply stumble onto their old ship, the Millennium Falcon, which they evidently hadn’t seen in years.
“This Star Wars universe at times seems roughly the size of a small town in Nebraska,” he said, “In that every time a character turns a corner, he encounters someone he knows. And why did Leia hug Rey at the end in such a familiar way? Wasn’t that the first time they’d met? I caught a lesbian vibe. And why does Han and Leia’s son look like Vinnie Barbarino? And did we need another Death Star? These are the types of questions this subcommittee will address.”