NEW YORK CITY–The NFL is investigating allegations that New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick has been sneaking into New York Giants team facilities and leaving dangerous fireworks lying around, easily accessible to Giants players and coaches. Four Giants players, including defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul and quarterback Eli Manning, have lost appendages playing with the dangerous explosives. Giants offensive line coach Pat Flaherty has reportedly lost an eye.
“It’s standard operation procedure for the Patriots,” said Giants Head Coach Tom Coughlin, “The rules don’t apply to them. I’ve heard stories of them actually buying old playbooks, of bribing officials, and one time they kidnapped an opposing coach’s wife and kids and threatened to murder them if his team won. Of course, those are just rumors, but it’s interesting they won all those games.”
Manning was unable to speak with reporters due to having suffered a severed tongue after swallowing a lighted firecracker, but he conveyed through has assistant that he is certain the Patriots are to blame for his injuries. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said he expects the league to finish its investigation in the next 48 months.
“It is what it is,” said Pierre-Paul, “I lose some fingers. Eli gets his tongue blown off. Coach Flaherty’s blind. And the Patriots keep on winning while the NFL looks the other way. Oh look, a firecracker!”