PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania–After working with Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Tim Tebow for more than a year, quarterback coach Tom House believes he has finally identified the reason the Heisman Trophy-winning play caller has had such difficulty improving on his much-maligned throwing motion.
“Timmy masturbates a lot,” House says, “Profusely. And with an amazing amount of vigor. I think that plays a key role.”
House believes Tebow’s constant masturbation has affected the way he releases the football. A quick release is key for a successful NFL quarterback.
“I’ve studied hours of film of Timmy masturbating, and it’s obvious that his masturbatory motion is leaking over into his game time performance,” House says, “And it’s translating to his overly long delivery. Timmy’s a pretty big boy, God bless him. But he has a really slow release.”
House believes that if Tebow can find a good woman, or man, to settle down with, he can easily break his bad habits. But so far that hasn’t happened.
“Timmy doesn’t believe in sex before marriage,” House says, “Which is great, but he has to make a choice. Either pump the brakes on beating the meat or marry someone and save the throwing arm. His career depends on it.”
Teammates have suggested that Tebow use his right hand–he’s a natural lefty–when spanking the monkey, as it will feel like someone else is jerking his meat or even like a piece of strange pussy, but so far he has declined.
“Timmy has his bad habits,” House says, “My job is to break him from those, but it’s obvious he’s not gonna stop jerking off. Now I’ve gotta come up with a way to incorporate peeling his banana into an effective throwing motion.”