WASHINGTON, D.C.–United States Surgeon General Vivek H. Murthy issued a statement today warning mosquitoes to avoid contact with singer/actress Miley Cyrus. In recent months, mosquito communities across the nation have been decimated by a devastating epidemic which the Centers for Disease Control has traced to Miss Cyrus, whose hits include “Wrecking Ball” and “The Climb”.
“If you’re a mosquito who has been in contact, or even think you might have been in contact, with Miss Cyrus, you need to get yourself tested,” the statement read, “If you’ve been in contact with a mosquito friend who may have been in contact with Miss Cyrus, it wouldn’t hurt to get tested then as well.”
According to Murthy, the CDC is currently working furiously to identify the deadly disease, which can kill a healthy mosquito in days. It is believed that the infection rate for a mosquito that bites the fearless icon is close to 100%.
“If you’re a mosquito who practices these types of high-risk behaviors you are basically signing your death warrant,” said CDC spokesman Ann Sterling, “You might as well take a long drink from a stagnant cesspool that’s been laced with arsenic.”