Nation’s Flies Rally Against Proposed Fly Swatter-Control Bill

WASHINGTON, D.C.–Nearly a billion common houseflies buzzed the nation’s capital today to protest a bill that would require flies to show two forms of photo identification when purchasing fly-swatters.  The bill, authored by Sen. Patrick Miyagi (D-HI), has passed the Senate and has been sent to President Obama. Proponents of the proposed new law argue that it will help to reduce the nearly half a billion fly deaths that result from fly swattings every year, but National Swatter Association President Ron O’Neal says the figures are misleading.

“You rarely hear a story about a fly swatting another fly,” O’Neal argues, “It is nearly always the result of human aggression toward flies.  If this bill becomes a law, then it will become a virtual certainty that the only ones who have the swatters will be the humans.”

“And have you ever tried to get a fly to sit still long enough to take its picture?  It is almost impossible for a fly to get even one photo ID, much less two,” he added.

Statistics show that flies who live in homes where fly swatters are kept are nearly a thousand times more likely to die from swattings than those flies who do not.  But even though the danger of being swatted exists, an increasingly vocal majority of flies feel like their rights are being infringed upon.

“Fly swatters don’t kill flies,” says fly swatter rights activist Curt Mayfield, “Our left-wing, socialist government does, with its stranglehold on our freedoms that is threatening to steal our very breath.  Any argument against a fly’s right to own his own fly swatter should start and end with the fact that it’s physically impossible for a fly to even lift a swatter, much less kill another fly with one.”

Businessman Donald Trump made headlines earlier this year when he blasted the bill in the media, calling it ridiculous and claiming no one can tell two flies apart anyway, which raised the ire of some flies who have called Trump a phylumist.  But O’Neal and other fly advocates have come to embrace the outspoken billionaire’s rhetoric.

“Donald Trump is right to call this bill ridiculous, because that’s what it is,” O’Neal says, “I’ve always compared our government to a horse’s ass, but it’s taken on a new meaning.  Now it’s even like it’s trying to shoo us away with a flick of the tail.”

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