PRINCETON, New Jersey–New Jersey Governor Chris Christie announced today his intention to walk for the Republican presidential nomination in the 2016 election. Christie included in his announcement the stipulation that he alone would decide the pace of his walk, which would likely include a fair number of stops to catch his breath and visits to whatever fast food style restaurants he may encounter along whichever route he decides to take. He also stated that he reserves the right to ride a rascal when needed.
“Come to think of it, I may stay on the rascal for the entire race,” Christie said, “So that I don’t sound winded when speaking to my supporters around this great nation. Are you going to eat the rest of your fries?”
Christie added that he is the perfect candidate to relate to voters across the land, the majority of whom share his disgust with Washington politics, dishonesty, voter pandering and fresh garden salads.
“I won’t stand before you and tell you the things you want to hear just to win your votes,” Christie proclaimed, “I’m not going to pretend it won’t be a struggle to return this proud nation to its former level of greatness. I won’t promise a chicken in every pot. What I will promise is that through hard work, integrity and old fashioned American will we can all have security, a chance at a good job and all the $1 McDouble Cheeseburgers we can eat.”