The Invention of Sex

He immediately changed his Facebook status to “in a relationship”

BY DOKTOR HANS LUFTPOST, PHD.
It is an extremely little-known fact that our earliest ancestors were born completely ignorant of the mechanics of sexual reproduction. In point of fact the human race was on the verge of total extinction until one member of the Higher Order Group happened to trip and fall between the open legs of a slumbering matron twice his age. (She was a wrinkled crone at 30 and he was in his prime at 15. The life expectancy of a humanoid of that era was 21.6.)

The immediate result of that conjunction was two-fold: The Father of Mankind experienced a physical sensation which made him temporarily insane whilst the Mother of Mankind looked up and muttered gutturally the Troglodyte equivalent of “Is that all there is?”

It is common knowledge that when her belly began to swell as a result of that fortuitous conjunction, half the residents of neighboring caves voted to burn her as a witch and the other half accused her of stealing more than her fair share of Mammoth kidneys. Fortunately she was allowed to come to term and produced what was known in their language as the “Amazing Little Midget”.

Unbeknownst to the rank and file in the Trog Community, The Father of Mankind, a functionary of the Higher Order Group, immediately convened a top secret council and declared them all ipso facto Members of the Priestly Class. The first rule of that class was that no one else but the HOGS were permitted to know the secret rites then known as “the Secret Rites of the HOGS”.

In short order the Cave Community was up to their plimsolls in Amazing Little Midgets who seemed to grow at alarming rates. As is common in most communities it became impossible to keep a secret and it was not long before the HOGS’ top secret came to light. Warriors stopped fighting, Farmers stopped tilling and Story-tellers stopped entertaining around the campfire as Troglodytes did nothing but perform the priestly rites of sexuality without any religious authorization whatsoever.

As might be imagined, cave communities were on the brink of complete collapse when the Priestly Class put its feet down and invented strictures to cover who could perform sex, when it might be performed and where it was legally moral to experience these physical conjunctions. In the beginning the punishments for rule breaking were relatively minor. For example, a first infraction of the Coitus Legislatus might result in the loss of one’s eye. In less than a year whole communities were replete with men and women who lacked any depth perception whatsoever.

Serious results called for a serious response and that is exactly what happened. Burnings at the stake became commonplace along with the unfortunate rise of what can only be described as cannibalism.

We hope this brief history of humankind’s development will serve as a cautionary tale to those who still believe Free Love is Free.

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