Fucking Pussy Dies of Bird Flu

Newport, Rhode Island–Dave Mariucci, a 26 year-old software engineer, died Friday, only one day after being diagnosed with avian influenza, commonly known as bird flu.  Sources close to Mariucci say that friends and family never imagined that he was so big a pussy that he could be killed by a disease named after fucking birds.

“Davie has always been a kind of a sissy,” said one friend, “He played flute in band in high school.  But to get killed by something that mostly just kills chickens?  That’s kind of like getting killed by a raccoon, you know?”

Dr. Phil Lamar, a spokesman for the Centers for Disease Control, said that while the CDC tracks avian flu statistics, no one pays that close of attention because it’s such a sissified virus.

“Usually the worst thing that happens when one contracts avian flu is that your friends will make a bunch of bad bird jokes and puns,” Lamar said, “What makes this situation so tragic is that Mr. Mariucci’s friends and family now know what a giant fucking pussy he is.  Or was.”

Still, pussy or not, Mariucci will be missed.  An ex-girlfriend, who broke up with Mariucci because he was a little too in touch with his emotions, said that she doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to look at another bird without thinking of him.

“It’s heartbreaking,” she said, “If I see a robin land on a tree branch, I’ll think, “That tiny little bird could potentially kill me, if I were a total goddamn Nancy boy.”  But at least Dave’s memory will stay alive.”

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