NEW YORK CITY–In an effort to increase membership and an eye toward modernization, the Girl Scouts of the United States of America will soon begin allowing girls to complete many of the tasks required to be Girl Scouts on the internet, according to GSUSA Director of Communication Hannah Marquez. Marquez cited the recent success of online cookie sales as the primary catalyst for the move.
“This is the logical next step in the evolution of the Girl Scouts,” Marquez said, “It has been said that the advent of the world wide web has made the world smaller and smaller. Now it’s so small that girls can see and experience all of it without ever leaving their rooms.”
Marquez explained that the increasingly sedentary lifestyles enjoyed by today’s youth has rendered it impractical for many to physically enter the wilderness, which has led to a decrease in the number of girls who join the Girl Scouts.
“With very little lung capacity, and chubby little legs, Girl Scouts today can’t endure the long hikes in the wilderness like they could in the past,” Marquez said, “And so much body fat makes them a tasty option for an opportunistic wolf or coyote.”
Marquez said the Girl Scouts hope to avoid a tragedy like the one that befell three Boy Scouts last year who were eaten by a bear after becoming winded and falling behind on a trail hike.
But concerns such as those will soon be a thing of the past. An updated Girl Scouts website will be unveiled in the coming weeks which will offer online camping, online canoeing, online archery and even online swimming. Marquez added that community service projects will largely consist of setting up GoFundMe campaigns.
“But we never want to forget the social aspect of the Girl Scouts,” Marquez said, “Which is why we strongly encourage our girls to join our Facebook page and Like each other’s posts.”