WASHINGTON, D.C.–The United States Department of Agriculture has classified the Kardashian family as an invasive species after specimens of the non-native bipedal hominid were discovered in Southern Florida and New York City. Previously, Kardashians were thought to be contained to Southern California.
Krysta Harden, the US Deputy Secretary of Agriculture, said the agency made the decision based on both the ecological and economic impact the species inflicts on its surrounding environment.
“Our studies indicate that Kardashians are poised to become a threat throughout the country if left unchecked,” said Harden, “The Kardashian will compete with native species for food, clothes and media attention and eventually overtake whatever region it is in.”
Harden said the USDA is considering expanding Kardashian hunting season in the hopes of completely eradicating the menacing species from North America. Kardashians are native to Eastern Europe.
“We have to act quickly or we will be too late,” Harden said, “This species reproduces at an alarmingly fast rate. And it reaches sexual maturity at a very young age.”
Harden said the Kardashian population has nearly tripled in the past five years. The Kardashian problem gained widespread public attention last year when a 300-pound female was photographed feeding at an outdoor cafe in Miami.
“Time is running out to address the Kardashian problem,” Harden said, “Keeping up with the Kardashians truly has become a reality now. Anyone who thinks this situation isn’t dire will change his mind the moment he comes face to face with a hungry Kardashian.”