Bachmann was pretty surprised herself
ST. PAUL, Minnesota–Dr. Kenneth Mason, a professor of neurology at the University of Minnesota School of Medicine, announced today that he has detected slight, intermittent activity within former United States Representative Michele Bachmann’s brain during her yearly physical examination. Bachmann, also known for her support of the Tea Party and 2012 presidential campaign, has been seeing Dr. Mason annually for the past two decades.
“It’s actually quite astounding,” Dr. Mason said, “After seeing no activity for so long. It was like fishing for years without so much as a bite, and suddenly you hook a, well, a minnow, I guess. The activity was quite small.”
Dr. Mason said that for many years there was a heated debate among his colleagues whether Bachmann even had a brain.
“Nothing really showed up on the scans,” he said, “There was a large dark mass, but it kind of just looked like a shadow. Or maybe some spilled coffee. But I refused to believe that someone could spill coffee in the same spot year after year. That’s foolish thinking.”
Bachmann herself was excited by the news, and what it means for the future of the Tea Party, and the entire country.
“Now I can really focus on the task at hand,” she said, “After so many years of doing so much without the help of a brain, imagine what I can accomplish with one.”
“I truly believe it’s a miracle,” she added, “Like Jesus flew down from the heavens on his golden unicorn, kicked me in the face and screamed, ‘Think, you idiot!’. Well, you can believe Michele Bachmann is one idiot who’s gonna listen to Jesus.”