Indiana Governor Pence Voices Support for No-Sex Marriage

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana–Governor Mike Pence responded to increasing criticism over the state’s new religious freedom law by voicing strong support for no-sex marriage.  People across the nation, including many influential celebrities and business professionals, are threatening a boycott of Indiana over the controversial law, which many feel discriminates against the LGBT community.

“I feel like I need to clarify my stance on the issues addressed by the Religious Freedom Restoration Act,” Pence said, “This law has nothing to do with sexual orientation.  I have no problem with the LGBT community, as long as they don’t have sex.  More to the point, I support all people who don’t have sex.”

Pence said the new law was designed without the intention of discriminating against a particular group, but to allow discrimination of all people.  Especially those people who have sex.

“It’s time for a return to traditional values,” Pence said, “To a time when good, moral people–people who didn’t have sex–stood up for what’s right.  This law allows business owners to deny service to those people who they believe may be having filthy, dirty sex of any kind.”

Governor Pence’s comments drew support from several members of the GOP, including Texas Senator Ted Cruz, considered to be the frontrunner for the Republican presidential nomination.

“I think Governor Pence’s stance on marriage perfectly reflects the majority of conservatives, myself included,” Cruz said, “It just goes to show, the Republican party can have progressive attitudes about sex.  Ours are so progressive, we have moved past sex altogether.”

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