ISIS Signs #1 Ranked Terrorist Recruiting Class

Recent recruiting trip

AR-RAQQAH, Syria–For the third straight year ISIS has emerged after terrorist signing day with the top ranked class in the world, according to several terrorist ranking services.  Terrorist recruiting coordinator Abu Omar al-Shishani credits the ISIS program’s consistent excellence and widespread network television coverage with the organization’s recent dominance.

“When a young man comes to ISIS, he knows he is joining a winning program,” al-Shishani says, “He also knows his commanders will push him to be all he can be, under constant threat of death.”

This year’s ISIS class features Abdul Hasim, the number one overall suicide bomber, as well as three infidel beheaders ranked in the top ten.

“Suicide bomber is a position we always recruit pretty hard,” says al-Shishani, “Due to the high turnover, there is always a need, and Abdul knew there was a good chance he would be able to step in and contribute right away.”

In recent years, ISIS has expanded its recruiting area to points all across the globe, which means it is not uncommon for recruits to sign with the program but never physically arrive on campus.

“When it’s so far away, some kids just get homesick,” al-Shishani explains, “And sometimes their governments realize what they are doing and sweep in and apprehend them.  So you try to get to know each kid as well as you can before you sign them.  It’s not an exact science.”

ISIS leaders say they expect their recruiting success to continue thanks to a recent deal with CNN to launch a 24 hour ISIS television network that will showcase the program and individual terrorists, similar to the Fox-owned Al Qaeda Network.

Al Qaeda finished with the number two ranked terrorist recruiting class, followed by the surprising Boko Haram at three.  Terrorist recruiting analysts credit Boko Haram’s late surge in terrorist recruits to the program’s tendency to kidnap and rape large numbers of women, something al-Shishani says ISIS recruits constantly ask about.

“I have to remind them that in ISIS, we kidnap and rape women, too,” he says, “It’s not all about beheading infidels.  Sure, that’s a huge part, but with us you’ll learn all aspects of professional terrorism.  That usually sells them on joining us.  That and the threat of murdering them and their families.”

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