PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania–With Presidents’ Day approaching, the Joshing Institute, a division of the American Historical Society, conducted a nationwide poll to determine our nation’s greatest president in the public’s eyes.
“There were some surprises,” said Lincoln Nixon, Joshing Institute Chairman, “For instance, George Bush made the list three times, although there have only been two presidents by that name. Abe Lincoln, who has previously been ranked in the top five, came in at 38.”
Nixon said Lincoln likely lost some popularity because of the work he did that some believe inadvertently led to the election of Barack Obama, who came in at number 50. He also noted that neither John Adams made the list, although a Jack and Steven Adams were included.
More surprising, according to Nixon, is the fact that statesman Benjamin Franklin was named the greatest president in the history of the United States by nearly two-thirds of those polled.
“Franklin routinely comes in near the top in these types of polls,” Nixon lamented, “Even though he was never president. It’s gotten so bad I don’t even correct folks anymore. It’s like when someone says “Luke, I am your father” when the actual quote in Empire was “No, I am your father.” People are just gonna believe what they wanna believe.”
Nixon said that in the past he would be frustrated by such public ignorance, but eventually he came to grips with the fact that history is viewed as unimportant in today’s progressive American society.
“There’s not a lot I can do about it at this point,” Nixon sighed, “There were 64 different names in this year’s final poll results. You probably don’t even know what’s wrong with that statement. Put it this way. Kenny Loggins was voted our nation’s 14th greatest president. I really wish they would get that fat fuck Franklin’s face off the hundred dollar bill.”