WASHINGTON, D.C.–In an effort to rally support for a widened military campaign against Islamic State fighters, President Barack Obama courageously vowed today to personally lead coalition air strikes as a drone pilot.
“I warned ISIS leaders months ago that what they are doing will not stand,” Obama declared, “Now I come before you and say that is a warning that should have been heeded. ISIS, tonight you dine in hell!”
The president said he will be identified by call-sign “Iceman Red Five” when he pilots the lead General Atomics MQ-9 Reaper to deliver hellfire missile attacks on ISIS fighters in Iraq and Syria from a darkened bunker deep below the Pentagon.
“I told ISIS to stop cutting off American heads, but they refused to listen,” the president continued, “Now, several heads later, they will experience the true force of American might. ISIS may take our lives, but they’ll never take OUR FREEDOM!”
Sources inside the White House confirm the president has completed a two-week online course that provides a basic outline on drone flying, plus six hours of flight simulation. It has also been reported that President Obama is highly skilled at Ace Commander on the Playstation 3.
“ISIS has proven to be barbaric and arrogant, not unlike Christians who took part in the crusades,” Obama roared, “Now they will pay for their barbarism and arrogance. I will show them that America is not afraid. Barack Obama is not afraid! Today we celebrate our INDEPENDENCE DAY!”