HOLLYWOOD–Former Team USA track and field superstar and Olympic gold-medal winning decathlete Bruce Jenner announced today that her transition into Oscar-winning actress Renee Zellwegger is now complete. Jenner went public with her plans to change genders as well as professions and identities earlier this year after news broke that the previous Renee Zellwegger, actress Jennifer Grey, was retiring to focus on her new career, which ironically turned out to be as a track and field athlete.
Dr. Travis Arnold, the plastic surgeon who performed the over 40 procedures needed to make Jenner’s transition from world-class athlete into the bubbly star of Jerry MaGuire and Me, Myself and Irene, called it the most challenging surgical endeavor he has ever taken on.
“Bruce Jenner was an Olympic hero, the very definition of the American alpha-male,” Arnold said, “When you have been that manly, even forty years prior, it can be difficult for your body to accept becoming a woman.”
Arnold said he had to operate on Jenner’s penis four times, as it kept growing back each time he removed it.
“I finally had to whack it off and swiftly cauterize the wound with a glowing red branding iron,” Arnold said, “But we were able to take the penises we extracted and fashion a lovely javelin, which we presented to Ms. Grey as she embarks on her new career. It was lovely and symbolic.”
Dr. Arnold said that he considers Jenner’s transition into Zellwegger complete, although he hasn’t yet given her a vagina.
“Bruce is Renee, vagina or no vagina,” Arnold said, “The truth is, Renee’s vagina has never been used in the past, so we decided to forgo any further surgeries for now. If one day someone comes along who is interested in having sex with Renee Zellwegger, we can look at giving her a little something down there then.”