CLEVELAND, Ohio–Cleveland Cavaliers star forward LeBron James said today that he would love to just go ahead and shave his head entirely bald, but his oddly-shaped skull makes that almost impossible. James has suffered for years with a hairline that recedes for months at a time only to reappear thicker and more full.
“My hair is kind of like a lover who won’t decide whether to commit or just break it off for good,” James said, “And I would love to be the one to say ‘It’s over’ but, unfortunately, due to the misshapen structure of my skull bones, that’s not my decision to make.”
James said he has long admired the look NBA legend Michael Jordan cultivated during his Hall of Fame career, which began with a tight, full head of hair but transformed into the fully shaven superstar basketball fans remember.
“MJ set the standard for shaved basketball heads,” James said, “But, like his game, his head is perfect. Perfectly round. My head is like a lump of playdough with moss growing on it.”
James, widely considered as the greatest basketball player in the world, said he doesn’t want to make the same mistake as fellow superstar Kobe Bryant. Bryant made the unfortunate decision to shave his head bald early in his career in an effort to emulate Jordan, only to reveal a tiny pin head that left fans aghast.
“I apologize to the fans who have to look at me with this strange hairline of mine,” James added, “I would love to shave it off, but it’s just not possible. I may look odd right now, but, trust me, If I shave this off people are gonna be mistaking me for the Elephant Man.”