He’s coming for you!
WICHITA, Kansas–The Center for Parental Discipline announced this week that suspended Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson has been named the new Boogeyman and will be called on to help parents convince their children to maintain good behavior. Under CPD guidelines, children who refuse to behave may be threatened with a visit by “The Boogeyman”. Any child who refuses to behave following the initial threat may be subject to an actual in home visit from The Boogeyman, during which he will take the offending child to a predetermined “whooping” room to instill discipline.
“I’m truly honored,” said the soft-spoken Peterson, “It’s incredibly humbling because it’s voted on by my peers. It’s really great to be recognized for my talents and hard work. I’m blessed.”
Peterson, who finished second in Heisman Trophy voting as a true freshman at the University of Oklahoma and who has been known to tear the actual skin off a child’s behind with a switch, vowed to approach the position like an actual job. He joked that he can wield a variety of punishment implements, including belts, paddles, and the aforementioned switches, all day, a reference to his childhood nickname given him by his father who noted his son could go “All Day” on the playing field and when punishing small pets and other neighborhood children who drew his ire.
“This couldn’t have come at a better time,” said the always-smiling superstar, “Right now I’m taking a break from football, and there is nothing that keeps you in shape like swinging your arms violently.”
A perennial All-Pro, Peterson won the NFL MVP award in 2012 after rushing for over 2,000 yards and teaching all of his known children the value of sitting still and keeping their mouths shut. Peterson takes over the title from the previous Boogeyman, actor Gary Busey, who many consider the greatest to ever hold the position.
“I’m not gonna try to be Gary Busey,” said the jovial Peterson, “He had something special. All you had to do was mention Busey and the kids would settle down. I plan to take a more hands on approach. It’s gonna be a happy Halloween.”