Spending less time online and more time cleaning has proven to be effective at reducing the risk of concussions
NEW YORK CITY–In light of recent reports on the growing problem of concussions among NFL players’ spouses and immediate families, league commissioner Roger Goodell announced today the NFL will fund a new study to examine their long-term effects. Statistics show that nearly half of NFL wives and girlfriends have suffered at least one concussion during their partner’s playing career.
Goodell said the study would look at circumstances that lead to concussions, such as overspending allowances and a combination of head wagging and finger-pointing, but the primary goal will be concussion prevention.
“What are the leading causes of concussions? We’re not certain,” Goodell said, “Is it letting the laundry pile up? Asking for help with the kids? Mouthing off? These are the risk factors this study will examine.”
The study will be conducted by a research team from the University of Oklahoma, and will include interviews with living family members of every NFL player. The results of the study are expected sometime after this season’s Super Bowl.
“Unfortunately, concussions are a part of life in the NFL,” Goodell added, “Football is a violent sport played by violent, degenerate men. Injuries are bound to happen, both on and off the field. This study won’t prevent every concussion, but it may help lower the risk factors which lead to concussions, like fucking your husband’s number one homeboy while he’s at a road game in Chicago, for instance.”