After 30 Years, Scientology Cures John Travolta of Homosexuality

Travolta proving how straight he is

HOLLYWOOD, Calif.–Noted pilot and movie actor John Travolta addressed for the first time longstanding rumors that he has engaged in numerous long-term homosexual affairs with dozens and dozens of men both young and old in an exclusive interview with BWN Hollywood correspondent Stark Majors.

BWN:  Literally every person who has seen a John Travolta movie can tell in less than a second that you’re completely gay.  Why wait until now to be open about how absolutely gay you are?

JT:  I honestly had no idea how gay I was.  It’s the proverbial can’t see the forest for the trees situation.  Everything I saw and did was gay, therefore nothing was gay.  You get what I’m saying?  But now that I’m cured, I understand what I was.

BWN:  You’re cured?  What are you cured of?

JT:  I’m cured of my gayness.  Is it gayness, is that the term?  Gaydom?  I’m cured of my gaydom.

BWN:  I’m not sure I understand.  How does one get cured of being a homosexual?

JT:  Scientology has helped me to understand the difference between a male rectum and a female rectum.  For one: there’s simply more hair.  Don’t get me wrong, those Italian girls can get pretty hairy.  I suppose if I had married a nice Italian girl I could have avoided this whole mess.  But then you’ve got the penis, which I never realized I wasn’t supposed to enjoy too…

BWN:  Okay, if I may interrupt.  You’re saying you enjoy the penis, but you’re no longer gay?

JT:  What I’m saying is that I enjoy a lot of things.  I’ve just been unable to separate sex and love, and I love everyone.  So I have sex with them.  It just so happens that I tend to be around more men than women.  

BWN:  How long have you been in treatment?

JT:  30 years.  It was soon after I made Staying Alive, which, in hindsight, was pretty fucking gay.

BWN:  So you’ve known you were gay for 30 years?  If you didn’t want to be gay, why continue having so much gay sex?

JT:  I didn’t realize I was gay, I just thought it was just more classes.  We’re always taking classes in Scientology.  That’s why Scientologist sounds so much like scientist, cause we’re real smart, you know.

BWN:  And how do you know that you are no longer gay?

JT:  David Miscavige, he’s this real important guy to Scientologists, he gave me a certificate saying I’m straight.  So I guess I’m straight.  Have you ever seen David Miscavige’s name in print?  Doesn’t it almost look like miscarriage?  It’s really weird.  Anyway.  I’m doing real good now, thanks.

One response to “After 30 Years, Scientology Cures John Travolta of Homosexuality

  1. He basically said…”Gay is a CONFUSION….”
    And as Vinnie Barbarino on “Welcome Back Kotter”….he always put his hands on his head and said…”I’m soooo confused”…..

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