Travolta proving how straight he is
HOLLYWOOD, Calif.–Noted pilot and movie actor John Travolta addressed for the first time longstanding rumors that he has engaged in numerous long-term homosexual affairs with dozens and dozens of men both young and old in an exclusive interview with BWN Hollywood correspondent Stark Majors.
BWN: Literally every person who has seen a John Travolta movie can tell in less than a second that you’re completely gay. Why wait until now to be open about how absolutely gay you are?
JT: I honestly had no idea how gay I was. It’s the proverbial can’t see the forest for the trees situation. Everything I saw and did was gay, therefore nothing was gay. You get what I’m saying? But now that I’m cured, I understand what I was.
BWN: You’re cured? What are you cured of?
JT: I’m cured of my gayness. Is it gayness, is that the term? Gaydom? I’m cured of my gaydom.
BWN: I’m not sure I understand. How does one get cured of being a homosexual?
JT: Scientology has helped me to understand the difference between a male rectum and a female rectum. For one: there’s simply more hair. Don’t get me wrong, those Italian girls can get pretty hairy. I suppose if I had married a nice Italian girl I could have avoided this whole mess. But then you’ve got the penis, which I never realized I wasn’t supposed to enjoy too…
BWN: Okay, if I may interrupt. You’re saying you enjoy the penis, but you’re no longer gay?
JT: What I’m saying is that I enjoy a lot of things. I’ve just been unable to separate sex and love, and I love everyone. So I have sex with them. It just so happens that I tend to be around more men than women.
BWN: How long have you been in treatment?
JT: 30 years. It was soon after I made Staying Alive, which, in hindsight, was pretty fucking gay.
BWN: So you’ve known you were gay for 30 years? If you didn’t want to be gay, why continue having so much gay sex?
JT: I didn’t realize I was gay, I just thought it was just more classes. We’re always taking classes in Scientology. That’s why Scientologist sounds so much like scientist, cause we’re real smart, you know.
BWN: And how do you know that you are no longer gay?
JT: David Miscavige, he’s this real important guy to Scientologists, he gave me a certificate saying I’m straight. So I guess I’m straight. Have you ever seen David Miscavige’s name in print? Doesn’t it almost look like miscarriage? It’s really weird. Anyway. I’m doing real good now, thanks.