CUPERTINO, Calif.–As Apple, Inc. stocks continue to struggle, the computer giant is having an increasingly difficult time attracting the kind of highly sought-after IT workers it has long relied on as the backbone of the company. Long viewed as the number one American company to work for by many college graduates, Apple is more and more finding itself in the position of a second or third choice for the upper echelon of graduates in the highly competitive computing field. But with a bold announcement today, CEO Tim Cook expects that to change.
“Apple has always prided itself as a company where the best of the best can come to work and feel like they are part of something special,” Cook proclaimed, “And in order to ensure that we continue to attract those kind of bright, young professionals, we are going to start offering our new hires an incredibly attractive compensation package which includes the highest salaries in the industry and lucrative Samsung stock options.”
Cook went on to say that as CEO of Apple, it is his job to identify the most exciting and groundbreaking trends in the world of technology, which he currently sees as coming from Samsung Group, a South Korean conglomerate.
“Those guys are the real deal,” Cook continued, “What they’re doing is miles ahead of what they were even doing in that movie Elysium. Have you seen that movie? It wasn’t that good, but it looked awesome. I know all about that.”
Cook described the bold move by Apple as a logical step in the increasingly-competitive world of computer technology, which regularly sees rivals benefit from the success of one another.
“I mean, have you seen the new Note Edge?” he went on, “It’s like Star Wars and Star Trek got hopped up on Molly and fucked while The Matrix jerked off, then had a baby. And then that baby shit rainbows. Who wouldn’t want to work for a company that could offer you some of that?”