Hamas Leader Talks “Dawn of the Apes”, Killing Jews

BWN special correspondent Stark Majors sat down for a candid interview with Hamas leader, Khaled Mashal, where they talked about a wide range of subjects, including increasing tensions on the Gaza Strip, the rise of ISIS, his favorite Rihanna song, and this summer’s hottest blockbuster.

BWN: You’re a Sunni Muslim.  Why are Sunnis so evil?

KM: Are Sunnis evil?  I don’t believe we are, truly.  Have we done some evil shit?  Absolutely.  But so have Christians.  I believe we should focus on our similarities.  For example, neither of us care for the Jews.

BWN:  You were a famous child actor.  You fronted a platinum-selling punk rock band.  And you wrote a series of best-selling self-help books.  Why go into politics?

KM:  It was like the final challenge.  I could have rested on my laurels.  My sitcom, Are You There Allah? It’s Me Hasim, was number one on every Arab television set.  My band, Infidel, sold a million records.  My Shorbat Adas for the Soul book series inspired millions of readers.  It was the next logical step.

BWN: Why can’t Palestinians and Israelis just get along?

KM:  It’s a great question, and one I’m not qualified to answer.  Wishing death on Jews is a long-standing tradition throughout the Arab world.  I don’t really know the history.  Something about religion or whatnot.  But it should one day be resolved, I think, or we’re going to see another Biggie and Tupac situation.  The world lost two important voices, and for what?  But right now it’s difficult because we’re really enjoying killing Jews.

BWN: When you call someone Jewish are you referring to his race or religion?

KM: I know, right?  I have no fucking idea!  They’re brown like me, but when I talk about killing Jews you want to call me a racist?  Get the fuck out of here, I’m talking about religion!  It’s so confusing, you know.

BWN: Are you still dating Rihanna?

KM: What? (laughs) How did you know about that?  Rihanna and I are good friends.  But don’t you just love that song?  (sings) Umbrella-ella-ella!

BWN: What are your thoughts on ISIS?

KM:  It will be good to see Sterling Archer and the gang back at work as spies.  The Archer Vice focus was fun, but I’m ready to see them back at ISIS, doing what they do.  Cherlene was fun, though.

BWN: Finally, I know you’ve had a busy summer, but have you found the time to catch any of the big blockbusters this summer movie season?

KM: I saw Dawn of the Apes.  Great flick. And a very timely allegory about what we’re seeing in the world right now, with the human survivors representing Israel and a dying society, and the dirty apes symbolic of Hamas.  I guess you can call me Caesar!

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