Sierra Leone Wins 2014 Third World Cup

Players compete inside Liberia’s National Stadium

LIBERIA–The 2014 Third World Cup drew to a close earlier today when Sierra Leone won the champion match 1-0 over the host country, Liberia.  The match was held at the Liberian National Stadium, a converted rail depot in a midsize township in this country that is famously too poor to afford names for its cities.

Sierra Leone’s mid-fielder/coach/equipment manager/team doctor Francis Kola was named most outstanding player for the 2014 Third World Cup after scoring three goals in his team’s four tournament victories, and killing a giant fruit bat that was used to feed all of the competing teams.

“This was a thrilling victory for my countrymen,” Kola said, “It will be a wonderful celebration before we return to the miserable poverty that clutches us firmly in its soul-draining grip.”

Kola said he whispered a short prayer to God shortly before the final match, asking that He give his team the strength to prevail over the stronger Liberian squad, and also asking God to please show mercy by letting him die and releasing him from the daily hell of living in the war torn pit of despair that is his country.

“He only answered one of my prayers, but I’ll take it,” Kola laughed, holding onto the Third World Cup trophy, a pair of sticks bound together with a dried leather strap.  He turned to a group of children, many of whom were barely younger than he, and signed the battered tennis ball that was used in lieu of a soccer ball before tossing it to one.

“The victory gives joy to the children,” he said, “Before they have to return to the fields to toil away for 16 hours a day, with only one short break and very little water.  It is nice to see the smiles before they are stripped away by the harsh realities of life in hell.  Yea, Sierra Leone!”

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