World’s Stupidest Whale Beached Again

And the dumbass thinks it’s funny

BEACH CITY, WASH.–For the fifth time in a month, residents of this sleepy resort town were forced to come together and rescue a killer whale they have somewhat affectionately named “Dopey”, after the 25 foot, six ton behemoth had beached himself.

“I’ve always been told these animals are smart, but I’m just not seeing it,” grumbled Ben Carey, a local fisherman, “You’d think a smart animal would learn after the first time, at least by the second.  Not this dipshit.”

Killer whales frequent the waters here hunting the local seal population, their main source of food.  But until now, there has been no recorded instance of a whale beaching itself.  Frieda Jerrell, a local marine biologist, called the case a mystery.

“Killer whales are among the most intelligent mammals on earth,” Jerrell explained, “Dopey being the exception.  I don’t want to call him a fucking retard, because not only is that word offensive to some, but the comparison is an insult to actual retards.  Let’s just say Dopey isn’t smart.  This dumb fuck is probably wanting to buy a little farm and raise rabbits.”

As residents here grow weary of having to save Dopey time and time again, some are starting to question what to do the next time the creature gets itself into trouble.

“Have you ever tried rolling a six ton tube of blubber over sand?” Carey asked, “Let me tell you, it’s not easy.  Natural selection would’ve already thinned this fucker out, if not for us.  We’re basically playing God by allowing this asshat to live.  And why does it have to just eat seals?  Try some fucking squid or something.  There’s plenty of goddamn fish in the sea, as they say.”

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