He’s bringing sexy back
MIAMI BEACH–A leathery, bloated, completely nude, 45 year-old Justin Bieber has emerged from a smoky crater outside the hotel where his present-day self is holed up after posting bail from an early morning drag racing and DUI arrest. The future Bieber confirms what many Beliebers fear–that this latest controversy is the catalyst that not only ends his career, but sends him on a path of self destruction from which he will never recover. According to the older version of Bieber, he has traveled back in time to save himself from the misery that the next quarter century has in store for him.
“Things are fixin to get rough, yo,” Old Bieber explains, “He, or I, don’t have no clue how bad it’s fixin to get. Well, I do, but he, or I, don’t. Word.”
Old Bieber says that the U.S. government in the future will devote billions of dollars to time-travel research, for the sole purpose of extinguishing his very existence. But he, Old Bieber, used the survival skills he honed over the decades following this arrest to commandeer the device, so he could travel back to this very date and put an end to himself before his descent, while preserving the memory of the success he has had.
“The government wanted to wipe out my whole existence, but I said ‘whoa, playa’,” Old Bieber says, “They was gonna go back and terminate my moms before she even had me. I’m like, nu-uh. So I jacked that time machine and came back to do it now, before all the drugs and deviant sex videos start. I made a lot of great music and displayed some amazing talents. That needs to be remembered. Plus, I was a really sexy kid, you know?”
Old Bieber says he chose this very day to return because it was the day he first began dabbling in male prostitution, after meeting an older man in his forties who became infatuated with him. He recalls that the man attacked him physically, but soon became sexually aroused by the encounter. He says he struggled against the attacker, but soon he too became aroused, and was quickly on a path of self-destructive behavior.
“Overall, I think this is a really good plan,” Old Bieber says, “It’s like that movie, Looper, but more realistic. But what I can’t figure out is, if I’m successful, how am I able to live long enough to come back at 45 and kill myself? Wouldn’t I be dead? I don’t know, it’s pretty confusing when you think about it. But they do this stuff all the time in the movies, so I guess it’s gotta work.”
As the interview ends Old Bieber sees his younger self emerge from the hotel. He immediately springs into action.
“There he, or I, am, or is,” he says, “I’ve gotta hurry, because this is almost the same time I was attacked. I’ll try and get to him, or me, before the attacker gets to him. But look at him, or me. I told you I was a sexy kid.”