Newborn Mortified to Learn Parents are Juggalos

Please God kill me now

WINSTON, OH–Friends and family members confirm that three day-old newborn Madison Rogers was absolutely mortified when she emerged from her mother’s birth canal only to be confronted by both of her parents wearing garish clown makeup.  Josh and Tracy Rogers identify themselves as Juggalos, members of a loosely organized gang that exhibits maniacal devotion to Insane Clown Posse, who are believed to be the most successful mentally disabled hip-hop duo to ever don clown makeup in the city of Detroit.

Juggalos regularly wear clown makeup inspired by their musical heroes, at the expense of ever holding down a regular job or having normal human relationships.  They are known as staunch anti-intellectuals and are generally fiercely opposed to decent hygiene practices.  Newborn Madison reportedly showed obvious signs of displeasure at being born to Juggalo parents.

“Poor Madison looked so disappointed,”  says Melanie Smith, Tracy Rogers’ mother, “When the doctor slapped her, she didn’t even cry.  She just looked around the room, saw her parents, and let out a sad, audible sigh.”

Josh and Tracy just after Madison was conceived

Smith adds that Madison seemed to have been steeling herself against the possibility that being born would turn out to be a wholly disappointing experience.

“It was as if (Madison) was expecting the worst,” Smith explains, “And when she first laid eyes on her mother, lying there covered with sweat and blood, her legs spread and her face covered in red and black clown makeup, you could see in her expression that her worst fears had just been confirmed.  Bless her poor little heart.”

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