And also bring me the head of Bob Stoops!
TUSCALOOSA, AL–Following a bitterly disappointing season in which the University of Alabama Crimson Tide football team failed to win an SEC championship and then suffered a humiliating loss to Oklahoma in the Sugar Bowl, Coach Nick Saban is threatening legal action against Satan, aka Beelzebub, if the fallen angel does not return his soul post-haste.
“Coach Saban entered into an agreement with the devil in 2009 which required, in exchange for his immortal soul, Coach Saban would win the 2009, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014 and 2015 college football titles before being consumed and immolated by a storm of fire and brimstone at midfield before the 2016 Iron Bowl,” says Jimmy Sexton, Saban’s agent, “I have signed contracts stating as much. Now, I don’t know what game Satan was watching the other night, but that sure didn’t look like a championship to me. Hell, the Tide wasn’t even playing for a title because the devil couldn’t deliver a victory against Auburn. Does that sound like fair practice to you?”
Yoram Sheftel, the attorney representing Satan, claims the devil has lived up to all of his contractual obligations thus far, and that he cannot be blamed for some of the Alabama team’s failures.
“First off, the contract features clauses which renders it void when Jesus gets involved,” says Sheftel, “Anyone who follows sports knows that Jesus will sometimes influence the outcome of a game. We all know about Kurt Warner. Anyone who saw the Iron Bowl against Auburn can tell you Jesus was involved in the way that game ended. Why do you think everyone keeps calling it a miracle?”
Sheftel says that, not only does his client refuse to respond to Saban’s demands, but that he may counter sue the Crimson Tide coach, claiming that Saban failed to ever actually deliver his soul, and even going so far as to question whether Saban even had a soul to sell.
Saban’s camp, meanwhile, remains firm on their stance that the devil has failed to live up to his end of the bargain, and his issued a timeline of one week for the return of the coach’s soul.
“They can lie and say they don’t have Coach Saban’s soul all they want,” says Sexton, “But the fact is, he sure as hell don’t have it. I have a signed contract right here that clearly shows the devil is now in possession of said soul. But what we don’t have is a championship for 2013 in Alabama. You tell me who’s the fraud.”