A&E Suspends “Chimpanzee Dynasty” Star

Link masturbated defiantly following the announcement

SHREVEPORT, LA–Link, the patriarch of a wildly popular family of chimpanzees whose lives are chronicled in the hit A&E reality show, Chimpanzee Dynasty, has been indefinitely suspended by the network after he threw his own feces at a GQ writer during an interview for an upcoming feature for the magazine.  The incident occurred after the writer, Johann Fuldoon, asked Link about his views on chimpanzees who choose to perform in circus acts.

“Link has some pretty strong opinions regarding the subject,” Fuldoon said, “And I understand that.  But I was hoping for a more civil discourse that wouldn’t involve the flinging of feces.”

Mark Damper, a spokesman for A&E, called Link’s actions unfortunate, and said that the network, while valuing the chimpanzee’s right to voice his opinion on the matter, could not condone the measures he took to express that opinion.

“A&E absolutely supports the rights of an individual to free speech and expression,” Damper said, “But Link must also consider that his actions will reflect on the network that pays he and his chimpanzee family millions of bananas.”

Chimpanzee Dynasty is the flagship program on the network, and regularly commands 55 million viewers per episode.  The announcement of Link’s suspension has been heavily criticized by several pro-feces flinging groups.

“Link has repeatedly expressed his personal belief in the Monkey Bible,” said Bernard Garvin, a spokesman for Chimps Against Obama, “The book of Bonzo clearly states that a circus monkey is an abomination against the Monkey God.”

GQ Magazine ran the interview this month, to much criticism. But Fuldoon said the decision was not intended to generate controversy.

“When A&E decided to launch Chimpanzee Dynasty, they knew the problems that could arise,” Fuldoon said, “Chimps can be fun to watch, but they also throw shit from time to time.  The show became a hit because the network decided to shield the viewer from the occasional shit-throwing.  Not to purposely mix metaphors, but now that the shit-throwing has started, the chickens have come home to roost.  Basically, now we have a shit-storm.  So to speak.”

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