Newton’s new partner is young enough to be his daughter
SAN ARMANTO, CA–Unnamed sources within the San Armanto Police Department have confirmed that Sgt. Alex Newton, a 26-year veteran of the department, is getting too old for this shit.
The allegations came to light after a recent foot chase in which Newton ran after a suspected drug dealer, only to pull a hamstring after less than a quarter mile. The source also claims that Newton was too winded to give an accurate description of the suspect over the radio, leading to the suspect’s escape.
“Sergeant Newton also routinely frowns when the younger officers play hip-hop music in the break room,” the source verified, “And he regularly claims that nobody but him knows how to make a decent cup of coffee.”
It was also confirmed that Newton insists on dragging his partner to a local diner for lunch, in which the fare served is high in cholesterol and extremely fattening. Afterwards, Newton always smokes a cigarette while finishing his coffee.
“He’s usually on his fifth or sixth cup of coffee by lunch,” says Corporal Maria Chavez, Newton’s partner, “Sarge drinks coffee all day long. Hasn’t he ever heard of Red Bull?”
The unnamed source also confirmed that Newton was wary about having a female partner, causing tensions between he and Chavez, who was assigned the duty after Newton’s previous partner retired.
“Sarge doesn’t think women should be cops,” the source said, “Especially one so much younger. And pretty too. He was kind of hard on her at first, but he’s coming around. I think he’s a little too overprotective of her, though, sometimes to the point where she has a hard time doing her job. This one time, Chavez was undercover posing as a prostitute, but Sarge kept going up to her and trying to get her to put on a coat to hide her cleavage.”
Newton, 57, has been threatening to retire for the past few years, but keeps coming back to work.
“He’ll get in a gun battle, or jump on the hood of a speeding car to catch a bad guy, and then he always says ‘I’m getting too old for this shit’ afterwards,” Chavez explains, “But he always shows up to work the next day. I just think the crotchety old guy likes to complain.”