Limbaugh: “Everything below my hand is basically amoeba shit.”
PALM BEACH, FL–Ever since his stunning announcement last year that he has been living since the early nineties with an amoeba that has been aggressively eating away at his brain matter, conservative talk-show host Rush Limbaugh has been inundated with get-well wishes and condolences from his fiercely loyal listeners.
“The messages I’ve received have been so wonderful and overwhelming,” says Limbaugh, “When I made the announcement, I wasn’t looking for sympathy. I only wanted my listeners and fans to understand what I live with every day. On occasion, I may say something that rubs some folks the wrong way, and I just want them to know that I don’t always mean these things, but the part of my brain that processes acceptable social communication skills has probably been eaten and replaced with amoeba waste.”
Limbaugh says his doctors have expressed astonishment that he is still alive at this point, much less able to conduct his daily syndicated radio show.
“I’ve basically stopped going to the doctor,” Limbaugh says, “But the last time they tested my remaining brain tissue, which was 2007, I had around ten percent remaining. I’m guessing that ten percent was pretty much all the good stuff, because my listeners never had a clue. I would estimate I’m probably down to about four or five percent at this point, but there’s really no way to be sure. My fans are still buying the stuff I’m selling, so I guess I’m doing all right.”
Limbaugh says that most of his memory is gone, which he calls a blessing in disguise, as it allows him to wake each day and be disgusted anew by President Barack Obama.
“The American people resigned themselves to the fact that they are living under the oppressive rule of a black, Muslim socialist a long time ago,” Limbaugh says, “But my lost memory allows me to maintain a high level of hatred and intolerance for Obama. I always feel fresh in my fight against the man.”
Still, Limbaugh says his loss of memory makes it hard to enjoy any of his victories, such as his discovery that the president was complicit with Al Qaeda in the recent chemical weapons attacks against Syrian nationals, which the U.S. claims were perpetrated by Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.
“Sure, I would love to remember that kind of stuff,” says Limbaugh, “That’s why I’ve developed a way to recall things, patterned after that movie, Memento, where I write certain things I want to remember on my body, so I can go back and read them later. The great thing is that I have so much space to write. By the time I get all the space used up, it will be a pretty intimidating piece of work, kind of like trying to read War and Peace, or Infinite Jest.”