Zookeepers Frustrated By Kinky Panda That Will Only Ejaculate on Mate’s Back

Sometimes he just glazes the whole room

CHICAGO–Excitement has turned to frustration at the Chicago Zoo, as officials who had hoped the zoo’s lone female panda bear, Muffin, would successfully mate with Lance, a male panda on loan from the Shanghai Zoo, are beginning to think a pregnancy will never happen.

“When Lance first arrived, it looked like it was definitely going to happen,” says Carol Markham, who oversees the bear exhibits, “It was obvious Lance is a ladies’ man.  He was even checking out the grizzlies.  Muffin was into him right away.”

Markham says Lance wasted little time in mounting Muffin, but immediately things took a sour turn.

“Panda sex is often fairly violent, but this went beyond that,” Markham explains, “It was clear Lance had no respect for Muffin.  It was like he was trying to humiliate and degrade her.”

Markham says the initial encounter ended when Lance withdrew his panda penis and attempted to spray his seed into Muffin’s mouth, leaving strands hanging from the fur around her eyes and getting some in her nostrils.

“Muffin was appalled,” Markham recalls, “And for several days we were afraid that would be the bears’ only copulation.  But Lance seemed to be pretty contrite, and pretty soon Muffin was receptive of him again.”

Within days, Markham says, the two were panda-fucking all over the place, usually several times a day.  But Lance’s behavior became darker and darker, and he treated Muffin with less respect each time.

“Every time he approaches his climax, he withdraws and shoots it all over Muffin’s back,” Markham says, “The weird thing is, now Muffin seems more into Lance than ever.  The more he degrades her, the more she wants.  It’s a pretty fucked up relationship.”

The panda exhibit is closed to the public until further notice, and Markham says she can’t give a specific timeline for when it may reopen.

“There were a lot of complaints,” Markham says, “Kids were seeing things they wouldn’t find on the darkest corners of the internet.  Lance seemed to ratchet the kink up a notch when the kids were watching.”

Markham says at this point, she has begun to lose hope that Muffin will ever become pregnant.

“It’s pretty obvious Lance isn’t ready to be a dad,” she says, “He still pays a lot of attention to the grizzlies.  What’s so sad is, when he’s flirting with the other bears, you can see Muffin with tears in her eyes.  But all he has to do is pay her a little bit of attention and she comes right back.  I don’t mind saying that Lance the panda is a complete piece of shit.”

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