The poor, illiterate idiot couldn’t read the “Players Only” sign
COLLEGE STATION, TX–As more and more evidence emerges implicating Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel, who won the Heisman Trophy after his record-setting redshirt-freshman season, in a scandal in which the dipshit is accused of accepting payment for autographing memorabilia for a broker, Texas A&M officials are preparing to engage in a legal battle to retain the jackass quarterback’s eligibility. According to NCAA bylaws, any student-athlete who receives financial gain through the use of his or her role as a team representative is automatically ineligible to compete as an amateur.
“The allegations are completely unfounded,” says Tripp Harris, lawyer for Texas A&M and Manziel, “Johnny would never be able to sign any piece of memorabilia, because he is completely illiterate.”
Harris goes on to claim that Manziel, an absolute and total fool, has never learned to read or write even his own name, and that his letter of commitment to the university was signed with a malformed “X”.
“Johnny’s education level is about on par with that of a common squirrel,” Harris claims, “He’s not necessarily retarded, but he has always been such an exceptional athlete that he hasn’t had to learn in the same way as a lesser student.”
Harris says that Manziel possesses the ability to differentiate between basic shapes and colors, but that letters and numbers present a completely foreign problem, which his underdeveloped mind cannot possibly grasp or understand.
“When he looks at his receivers, he automatically knows to throw at the darker guy wearing the same jersey color he’s wearing,” Harris says, “That’s why he’s such an effective quarterback. But the idea that Johnny Football could successfully utilize a writing instrument of any kind to do anything beyond drawing a picture of boobs is just laughable. The NCAA simply doesn’t have a case.”
Upon learning of the university’s claims, NCAA officials reportedly began reviewing their case against Manziel.
“Honestly, I hope their claims are true,” says NCAA investigator Jonas Fairchild, “Johnny Football is good for college football. We will all be happy if this thing turns out to be nothing more than a baseless attack on one of college football’s true ambassadors. The NCAA’s only goal here is to ensure that all our student athletes play by the same set of rules.”