Too Good to Be True?
METROPOLIS—Once thought to do no wrong, it appears supposed golden boy, Superman, has been perpetuating a lie the entire time he’s been in the spotlight. An unidentified woman has pictures that she claimed Superman texted to her that depicted him shirtless. The image was far from the Man of Steel this city is accustomed to.
“We met online,” the woman said, “After awhile we started texting. Nothing too serious, just some harmless flirting. Next thing you know he’s sending me some pics. Some were a little racy.”
The pictures, obtained exclusively by BWN, show a Superman who may need to spend a little less time at the Golden Panda Buffet and a little more time doing some super crunches.
“I wouldn’t call it awful, but he definitely didn’t look as good as you’d hope,” the woman went on, “He’s Superman, for Christ’s sake. This guy looks like the before picture in a diet commercial.”
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The woman claims she broke off contact after he sent the racy pictures, but after he tried calling and texting her several times, she threatened to go public with the pictures.
“He didn’t even care,” she said, “He actually thinks he looks good. And he even has a cheesy little beard. Since when does the Man of Steel have facial hair? How the fuck does he shave? You mean to tell me we’ve seen this man walk through fire or fly through the atmosphere into space without ever having a single singed hair, now all of a sudden a fucking Gillette Mach III is all it takes to cut his beard? That shit was too much for me. I was out of there.”
For his part, Superman has been quiet about the scandal, although Daily Planet reporter Clark Kent wrote an editorial pleading with the public to respect Superman’s privacy, and think about all the good he’s done.
“Maybe Superman is a little too busy saving everyone’s asses all the time to get in a regular workout,” Kent wrote, “Whatever the deal is, I’m sure the guy has feelings. And I bet he does whatever it takes to get back into shape so the physically perfect residents of Metropolis will deem him worthy to rescue them the next time they get into trouble.”