Tim Tebow’s First Pass as a New England Patriot Kills Four

Tebow Exhibits His New Throwing Motion

BOSTON—New England Patriots players and coaches, along with curious fans and media personnel, were horrified today when celebrated free-agent quarterback Tim Tebow made his practice debut, sailing his first pass in a warm-up throwing drill into the crowd, killing four and wounding a dozen more.

“It’s pretty obvious he’s been working on his mechanics,” Pats Offensive Coordinator Josh McDaniels told the media members after practice, “But he still has a long way to go.  The bright spot is that, where in past years Timmy would have thrown that ball straight into the dirt, this one actually sailed 40 yards downfield, through the uprights, and into the stands.  Unfortunately, people were killed.  But honestly he looked a little better than I was expecting.”

Head Coach Bill Belichick expressed confidence in the newly signed Tebow, saying many fans across the country would gladly throw themselves in the path of a ball thrown by the talentless superstar.

“As awful a quarterback as Timmy is, he’s really just a pleasure to be around,” Belichick said, “It’s such a shame he is so inept at so many things on the football field, from reading defenses to sometimes even tying his shoes.  He’s truly just a terrible, uniquely untalented player.  But such a joy as a human being.  A man would be proud to have him marry his daughter, if he’s into that sort of thing.”

Asked about the unfortunate pass, Tebow expressed joy that the lucky fans who were in the projectile’s path were being welcomed into the glory of God’s heavenly reward.

“It’s such an honor to be here, playing for Coach Belichick and learning from Tom Brady,” Tebow said, “And to have the opportunity to personally deliver some of God’s children directly to him with my very first throw.  I’m truly honored.”

Neither McDaniels nor Belichick would comment on what role Tebow would play in the Patriots offense for the upcoming NFL season, but sources with the team said that following the incident, an idea had been floated where Tebow would fling passes toward the opposing team’s sideline, potentially injuring or even killing players and coaches.

“But that idea is in the really early stages,” the source said, “Besides, who’s to say if Timmy is trying to hit the opposing sideline, he won’t accidentally hit our own sideline, or even the owner’s box?  There’s really just so many things that can go wrong if you let Timmy throw the ball.”

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