Take your clothes off or the dog gets it
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Figures released by the Pentagon show that the United States Army has surpassed all its recruiting goals for 2013 by the halfway point of the fiscal year, confounding military recruiting experts. The reason, some say, can be attributed to the recent focus on attracting sexual deviants into the armed services.
“Since we launched the ‘Rape All You Want’ campaign, I’ve barely had to make a phone call,” says Master Sergeant Jack Barnes, recruiting director at the U.S. Army recruiting station in Lincoln, NE, “Kids are literally lining up outside the office. It’s like a dream come true, for me and them.”
Barnes says the campaign, which promises recruits that they will never be prosecuted for sex-based crimes during their military service, has introduced him to a new type of recruit. He believes the new pro-rape army is producing tougher soldiers than years past.
“In the old days, the guys who scared you were the ones you thought might kill you in your sleep,” he says, “Nowadays, these guys are just as likely to rape you first. It definitely keeps a soldier on edge when he’s out in the field.”
Barnes claims that the threat of rape only adds to the fearsomeness of the new U.S. soldier.
“Say you’re an Arab,” Barnes says, “Are you gonna attack our soldiers if you think there’s a chance the whole platoon will gang-rape you, and then maybe keep you around in camp for a few days, passing you among one another and repeatedly assaulting you, degrading you, maybe even urinating on you until you die a shameful, horribly painful death? I would think not, but then, who knows what them towel-heads are in to.”
Critics have attacked the campaign, saying it has contributed to a rash of sexual assaults against female American soldiers, a charge which Barnes quickly dismisses.
“Sure, our female soldiers get raped. Like, a lot,” he says, “But I think there are positives that can be taken from that. For one, it trains them for some of the things they might encounter in the field of battle. Our soldiers get a real rush from killing, and they’re gonna need to blow off some steam when they get back into camp, which a rape-trained female soldier can provide. Also, say a terrorist catches a female soldier. If she’s been rape-trained by a big, American soldier, she won’t even hardly notice the tiny Muslim dick on her attacker.”
Barnes says that in the long run, the ‘Rape All You Want’ campaign will help shape the army into a force more like what the armies of legend used to be.
“The crazy guys we used to get were mainly just the psychopaths who just wanted to kill,” Barnes says, “Which was fine. But these days, we get the kids who want not only want to kill, but they want to rape the shit out of someone too. That versatility is something we Americans have been sorely missing. I don’t know much about Genghis Khan, other than I’ve heard the name, but I’m pretty sure he was all about raping and pillaging. I’m glad we’re finally getting back on track with the raping part.”