WASHINGTON D.C.—After his latest gun control legislation failed to even receive a vote in congress, President Obama has signed a new executive order that authorizes him to personally seize firearms from American citizens. The measure gives the president the authority to go into any home in the U.S. unannounced and search the premises for firearms, and if any are discovered, to confiscate them, regardless whether a crime has been committed or the homeowner has a criminal record.
“It’s an outrage,” says House Speaker John Boehner of the order, “The president is clearly abusing his authority. He doesn’t even have to ring the doorbell if he chooses not to.”
Sources say the president is also free to check out what is in the fridge and even change the television channel to a program more to his liking, which White House aides say is usually something on BET or a basketball game.
“If you don’t have the food he likes in the fridge, he can even order out and leave you with the bill,” says Boehner, “How many American families keep chicken wings in the fridge? It’s unheard of.”
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney says critics are overreacting due to the widely-held belief that Obama has lost touch with what policies the American people feel strongly about.
“Just because he has the authority to barge into your living rooms doesn’t necessarily mean he will,” says Carney, “The president feels that the knowledge that he can take your guns away may serve as a small deterrent if a person feels compelled to engage in gun violence. But he has made a very strong promise that he’s not going to take away guns from everyone. In fact, he has been tossing around the idea of just taking a few guns from some of the citizens that have many, and distributing them among those that have no guns. Which, I’m sure you will agree, is only fair.”
When asked about the possibility that some gun owners may react violently to the idea of President Obama coming into their homes and forcibly seizing their guns, Carney seemed amused.
“I don’t think that’s something the president is particularly worried about,” says Carney, “He is the president, you know. President Obama believes pretty securely that any American that comes face to face with him, the most powerful man in the world, will basically do whatever he says. And he’s earned the right to feel that way, in my opinion.”
Unconfirmed reports have indicated that President Obama merely invoked the order to add to his own increasingly impressive gun collection, which he may be amassing in order to aid in his protection detail after his term is complete.
“Look, if the president shows up at your house, what are you going to do?” says Carney, “Just give him your guns. Come on, he’s the president, you know? I’m pretty sure he knows what’s best for you. He went to Harvard on a full ride. Oh, and if I were a betting man, I’d guess John Boehner might be getting a presidential visit any day now.”