Third Juror Caught Masturbating During Jodi Arias Trial


Jurors were provided this image to help combat their urges

PHOENIX—For the third time during the four month murder trial of dangerously hot Jodi Arias, a juror has been excused for masturbating during the proceedings. The trial, which has been marked by explicit accounts of every sex act Arias has ever participated in, was delayed while another juror was selected from the dwindling jury pool. Maricopa County Superior Court Judge Sherry Stephens warned the jury that any further incidents will result in administration of saltpeter to the entire panel.

“It’s a total lack of self-control,” prosecutor Juan Martinez said, “The jury is acting like a bunch of ASU coeds on spring break. So what if she’s hot? So what if we have included drawings by the entire prosecution team depicting our own interpretations of Arias receiving anal sex? These people need to show some decorum.”

During a break in the trial, in which Arias is being tried for the murder her ex-lover, Stephens ordered a bailiff to confiscate hand lotion and wet wipes from the entire jury. Later, she even ordered the jury to surrender any chewing gum.

“They were chewing the gum to work up saliva,” Stephens said, “So they could spit on their hands. It’s like they don’t even care that a person died. The lack of respect is astonishing.”

When the trial resumed, defense attorney Jennifer Willmott urged Arias to recall any instances in which she had been intimate with other women, or young girls. When Arias was unable to recall any such instances, Willmott simply asked her to describe, in her own words, each sex scene from the movie, Basic Instinct.

“Three witnesses were asked to leave the courtroom, after some squishing noises started coming from the back row,” Martinez said, “The defense is trying to get this thing declared a mistrial, or at least to string it out a few more weeks. Is it getting hot in here?”

The defense team informed the court that it will call one final witness to the stand later this week, before resting its case. A source said the surprise witness is a male model who will actually engage in deviant sex with Arias in the courtroom, to demonstrate for jurors the humiliation that Arias was forced to endure in her relationship leading up to the murder. Judge Stephens excused herself to chambers without commenting on the rumor.

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