ATLANTA, GA—Early Friday morning actress Reese Witherspoon, famous for baring her luscious breasts in the 1998 film Twilight, was arrested after an altercation that occurred when her husband, Hollywood agent James Toth, was stopped on suspicion of driving under the influence. The arresting officer, state trooper J. Pyland, was unaware that Witherspoon is a world famous actress who has starred in landmark classics like Sweet Home Alabama and Four Christmases, and he inadvertently completed the arrest of the starlet and her husband.
“Ms. Witherspoon was belligerent and her speech was slurred,” says Pyland, “I honestly had no idea who she was. She’s a lot chubbier in person.”
Trooper Pyland ignored Witherspoon’s request to check IMDB for her film credits, which also include cinematic masterpieces such as Little Nicky and Fear. He says he mistook the Oscar-winning actress for a skanky bar-whore who had traded drunken oral sex for a lift home.
“She looked a little like this piece of ass who frequents a lot of the local taverns trying to trade on her fading looks for a hot meal,” Pyland says, “You can imagine how embarrassed I was when I realized she is one of our greatest actresses. I never realized how great an actress she is until I actually met her. It’s amazing that such an everyday skank can transform herself into America’s sweetheart.”
Pyland says that while he was performing a field sobriety test on Toth, Witherspoon repeatedly warned him that she was an incredibly powerful Hollywood actress who could buy and sell him, and that he was going to regret ever fucking with someone as spectacular as she.
“She kept saying, ‘Don’t you know who I am?’ over and over,” Pyland says, “But I had no idea. I was totally racking my brain. I was thinking maybe she was that chick from Blossom, but I really couldn’t place her. I mean, who would think that someone who looks like she does would be famous?”
Pyland says Witherspoon eventually just pulled out one of her breasts thinking that he might recognize it, but that it didn’t ring a bell.
“I’ve never seen any of her movies, I guess,” he says, “I’m guessing that when she went topless on film she looked a lot better. I can’t express how sorry I am for arresting someone as important as she is. I’ll definitely try and do better next time.”