ROCKY FORD, WY—Paranormal researchers were called to the home of Bob and Kitty Collins earlier this week to investigate an apparition that has been terrorizing the couple for the past several months. Lead researcher Dr. Philip Westmore claims to have recorded actual footage of the ghost, who the couple say they recognize as their former neighbor, Owen Schofield.
“Old Owen had dementia pretty bad when he passed on,” says Bob Collins, “I guess sometimes you really can take what you have in this world with you when you go.”
Collins says he first encountered the apparition moving through the house in a seemingly confused state, wearing only saggy briefs and one house shoe. When the specter noticed him, it asked Collins if he had seen Sassy, his cat that had died nearly 20 years earlier.
“The footage we captured clearly shows Owen fumbling about the home,” says Westmore, “At one point, he enters a guest bedroom, where he stops at the foot of the bed, pulls out his ghostly member and urinates ecto-plasm all over the comforter.”
Westomore says he doesn’t believe Owen means the Collins family any harm, but is simply confused and needs to be somehow returned to his former residence across the street.
“The family who lives in Owen’s former house aren’t too crazy about the idea of his going home,” says Bob Collins, “But we really don’t see any alternative. We’re looking into the legalities of this whole deal. It’s very confusing.”
Westmore says he has been conducting internet searches looking for any available ghost elder care facilities that would take on Owen, but so far has been unable to find anything suitable.
“The only facilities we’ve found thus far have extremely low ratings,” he says, “It seems that even after death, no one wants to have anything to do with these unlucky souls. On a brighter note, I believe this case proves without a doubt that animals definitely don’t have souls. The poor fellow never has been able to locate his long dead cat.”