Syria Reports Over 6,000 Suicides in March


Assad says the stress is affecting his ability to grow a decent mustache

DAMASCUS—Syrian President Bashar al-Assad called last month one of the saddest of his presidency following the announcement that over 6,000 rebel fighters had committed suicide in March.

“This place can get pretty depressing,” says Assad, “It must be all the sand. Or the oppressive heat.”

Assad made the announcement in an address in which he urged President Obama to resist supplying rebel troops with arms in their attempt to overthrow his government. According to Assad, such a move by the American president would simply provide the depressed rebels with additional means in which to harm themselves.

“We’re getting pretty worried about them,” Assad said of the rebels, “We even had to ask the Red Cross to stop providing medicine to the insurgents, for fear of overdose. It’s very sad. They don’t understand that suicide affects not just them, but the people who love them as well.”

Assad says another reason for the widespread depression, has been the news that close ally Iran, who the rebels have always looked up to like a beloved uncle, is considering giving up its nuclear program.

“I think that the rebels just really want to see Iran do well,” Assad says, “And if Iran is forced to give up its nuclear program, it’s liable to break those poor rebels’ hearts.”

Assad has asked the U.S. to hold off on both providing arms for the rebels and asking Iran to cease its nuclear program until this whole mess gets straightened out. So far, the Obama administration has issued no response to the request.

“I’m just really worried that these rebels are going to hurt themselves more,” says Assad, “And I hope the Americans have the good sense to stay out of all this until we can get them the help they need.”

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