BOSTON—New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, who recently made headlines by signing a contract worth substantially less than his market value, has announced his intention to make another concession for the good of his team: his ability to see the field.
“With the contract, Tom realized that if he made all the money he could, it would take away from our ability to sign quality players, so he made a sacrifice,” says Patriots owner, Robert Kraft, “Now he’s taking it a step further.”
Brady will play all 16 regular season games with his eyes covered by a blindfold, which could significantly impact his effectiveness at reading opposing defenses. It will also allow opposing pass rushers an increased advantage when rushing from his blind side, which will now be every direction.
“Defenses have been pretty limited by all the rule changes over the past few seasons,” Brady says, “I’m just trying to get everyone back on a level playing field.”
Kraft says Brady’s decision will help the Patriots offense as well, by drawing some of the attention away from the ineptitude of the team’s other skill players.
“Last year our wide outs couldn’t catch the clap in a whorehouse,” Kraft says, “And Tom was throwing strikes all season long. If the guy’s blindfolded, there’s a good chance a lot of those throws will be off the mark. No one can bitch at a guy like Andre Holmes for missing on a throw that’s 20 feet over his head. This could be a real morale booster.”
Sports Illustrated senior NFL writer Peter King immediately lauded the news, calling the actions of the Patriots QB further evidence that he should be regarded as the single-greatest human being who has ever graced the planet.
“This wizard, this fairy tale prince, this totem of raw human sexuality that is Tom Brady,” wrote King, “has once again demonstrated that he is more humble, more wise and more stunningly handsome than even the best of us mere mortals. And he has broken his own record by being named my NFL Man of the Week for the 560th consecutive time.”