March 13, 1989—In the early morning hours a cargo ship docked in New York harbor. One particular storage container held a much lighter load than the others. When this container was opened, a tall, slender young Abdullah Mullah Jabar, Arabic for “Deceitful Prince” stood from where had knelt for the entire trip from Saudi Arabia and removed his turban. He would now be known as Barack Hussein Obama.
“I tried to convince him to take a different name,” Omar al Zapiti, Obama’s American contact, recalls, “I mean, why not just keep your real name if you’re gonna pick one that sounds like a terrorist anyway? But somehow it’s all worked out. Talk about hiding in plain sight.”
Armed with forged academic transcripts from American schools, a forged birth certificate and a buttery smooth mid-range jumper, Obama transitioned smoothly into American culture. His Saudi Arabian handlers often worried that the transition was too smooth.
“He used to joke around, talking about why would he need to take part in any Jihad,” Zapiti says, “He said he nailed over 40 virgins that first year at Harvard!”
Any lingering doubts were assuaged when Obama finally made contact with Alayna Mahan, who had come to the U.S. a decade before he and taken the name Michelle Robinson. Although violently un-attracted to one another, the two were soon married and Operation: Big Bad Brother was underway.
25 years later, Obama is into his second term as President of the United States and the ultimate goal is in sight. And that turban?
“Yeah, I kept the turban,” Obama laughs, “I can’t wait to see the look on everyone’s faces when I put that sucker back on.”