FT. WORTH–Researchers at Texas Christian University have made a breakthrough in their search for a cure for homosexuality, according to a spokesperson for the school.
“Early results in test subjects have been overwhelmingly positive,” said Dr. Ryan Paulson, director of university relations, “So far everything points to an actual cure. Even at this early stage, we’re confident enough to say that we’re on the verge of totally eradicating this dreaded disease.”
Ignoring the protests of gay rights groups who have long argued that homosexuality is not a curable disease, TCU scientists have been at the forefront of research into the causes of the illness. Late last year, the university announced that researchers had identified the gene that causes people to become gay.
“The gene itself wasn’t too difficult to find,” said Dr. Francis Meyers, dean of science, “It actually appeared to sparkle when viewed through a nanoscope.”
Identifying the so-called “gay gene” was only the first step. Through a wild coincidence Meyers’ team discovered that the DNA found in aborted fetuses showed no sign of the gay gene.
“I happened to have some aborted fetuses in the freezer,” Meyers said, “The local abortion clinic gives them to us. We’re not really supposed to use them for scientific research, so I usually just feed them to my cats. One day just for kicks I decided to take a look.”
Meyers soon discovered that a chemical reaction occurs during the abortion process that reverses the effects of the gay gene. When harvested and injected into homosexual test-subjects, the re-engineered gene completely reverses sexual orientation.
“So far the treatment has only worked on men,” Meyers explained “But we still look at it as a success. I think we can all live with homosexuality among women.”
There are still obstacles to be overcome in the development of the drug, primarily that the ingredients necessary can only be found in aborted fetuses. According to Paulson, Americans–both conservatives and liberals alike–will soon be forced to choose between easing abortion laws or allowing the country to become increasingly gay.
“I guess it is kind of ironic,” said Meyers, “But the reality is, if we want to get rid of the gays, we’re going to need a shitload of aborted fetuses. I would think letting us use them to cure an abomination against God is better than letting the cats eat em.”