Before The Other Guys Break The News, We've Already Broken It

Obama Admits He Was Fathered By A Jackal

In Politics, Religion, US on April 4, 2013 at 6:43 am


The president demonstrates his “jackal face”

WASHINGTON DC—President Obama finally admitted today that there may be a small kernel of truth to numerous stories that are being shared on social media.

“It’s time for the truth to have its day; the real Barack Obama, Sr. was not a man at all, but a jackal who visited my mother one dark night during the witching hour,” Obama revealed, “But let me be clear: this in no way is an admission that I am the Antichrist.”

Rumors began circulating that Obama might be the Antichrist before he won his first term. Since then, and especially after winning re-election, even the most sensible, progressive minded Americans have been forced to admit that the evidence strongly suggests that our president, indeed, carries the mark of the beast. For his part, Obama has been apologetic for misleading the public regarding his father, but has remained steadfast in his denials about his role in any approaching apocalypse.

“It was wrong of me to mislead you, my fellow Americans,” Obama said, “But, and let me be clear about this, Satan was not in that room! I knew you were not ready to hear the truth that my mother coupled with a jackal to create me. I am simply the result of a heated moment between a beautiful but susceptible, nubile young woman and a sly, crafty jackal. There is nothing more to the story beyond that.”

As for the stories that have been circulating asserting that Obama has met 17 criteria that the Book of Revelation claims will mark the Antichrist, the president downplays the importance of the Bible when it comes to politics.

“Aren’t we supposed to have a separation of church and state here?” Obama asked, “People, I don’t want your souls! I’m a black man, I’ve got more than enough soul without taking yours. But in all seriousness, I do want your guns.”

Regarding the recent controversy involving the History Channel’s miniseries, The Bible, in which the role of Satan was performed by actor Mohamen Mehdi Ouazanni, who bears a striking resemblance to the president, White House sources dismissed the entire thing as nothing more than coincidence.

“So I guess you’re saying that the guy who played Satan is a pretty handsome fellow,” Obama joked, “Nah, I admit I saw the resemblance. The truth may be that his father is a jackal too.”

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