Before The Other Guys Break The News, We've Already Broken It

Putin Flips Crimea for a Cool Million

In World on April 21, 2014 at 7:40 am

That real estate license is finally paying off

MOSCOW–Call him President Trump.  Russian President Vladimir Putin, who has been heavily criticized by the White House for his policy in Ukraine, shocked the world today when he announced that he had sold Crimea back to the embattled country for a cool $1 million profit.

Earlier this year Putin was under fire for what many world leaders saw as strong-arm tactics that resulted in Crimea, a resort region on the southern tip of Ukraine, being claimed by Russia.  But, it turns out, that was only part of the wily Russian leader’s plan.

Uri Parkarov, Putin’s business partner and co-owner of Golden Boy Properties, a Moscow real estate firm, says Putin never planned to keep Crimea for the long term.

“Vlad knows what he’s doing, even if the public doesn’t,” Parkarov says, “Look, do you think he got to be the 12th largest real estate man in Moscow by being dumb?  If so, I’ve got a Kremlin I can sell you cheap.”

Parkarov says he and Putin began planning casino zones and development sites in Crimea immediately after Russia claimed the province, raising the value of land there virtually overnight.

“We didn’t spend a dime,” he claims, “Just the rumors of our development sparked tremendous interest from Kiev.  Before long we had a seven figure deal on the table.  I tell you, Vlad’s knows the real estate game.”

Parkarov says he and Putin plan to celebrate the windfall with a wild night on the Moscow club scene, where Putin is known as “Vlad the Impaler” for his prowess with the ladies.  The deal is the largest ever for Golden Boy Properties, and Parkarov says he expects the company to continue to grow.

“We’re still fairly new to the real estate game,” he says, “This is only our seventh year in business.  But a deal like this gives you a certain amount of cache.  We have a pretty good shot at being recognized at the Moscow Chamber of Commerce awards dinner this year.  Things are looking up.”

Wilmer Valderrama Reviews Sex With Lindsay Lohan

In Reviews on April 21, 2014 at 6:33 am

Each week BWN special correspondent Wilmer Valderrama reviews the sexual prowess of the various Hollywood starlets he has bedded during his illustrious career.  This week, Wilmer reviews Mean Girls and The Parent Trap star, Lindsay Lohan.

By Wilmer Valderrama

It was all those years ago where I first made steamy passionate lovemaking on Lindsay Lohan.  I met the first Miss Lohan as she were devouring copious piles of cocaine and methamphetamine.  She claimed it is sugar piles but I am not born under a turnip ship.

Miss Lohan and I were my first serious girlfriend.  She has tremendous bears.  They are tremendous bursts.  Beasts.  They are breasts.   Like honeysuckles.  Or melons.  Let’s move forward.

We and Lindsay dated for much longer.  She is the first girl who put her tongue on my bung hole.  It was such magic.  She is somewhat unclean.  Sometimes when I am recalling Lindsay it makes my face become red.  She did things that I dare not relate to you.

I am still in love with poor Miss Lohan despite all her tribulations.  There was many things she performed in sexual congress which earned her high marks.  I believe she has very small self esteem.  She should have earns a perfect score, but because of that times that she defecated on my chest, I have removed one Wilmer Valderrama.

3 out of 4 Wilmer Valderrama’s

 Wilmer Valderrama is an A-list actor and star of That 70s Show and one would assume that he has tried his hand as a music producer.

US Hotdog Makers to Stop Using Real Dog Meat

In Agriculture on April 18, 2014 at 3:51 am

Free-range wiener dogs

PORTLAND, OR–An American dietary staple is about to change forever.  Representatives from the five major US hotdog manufacturers met here today to discuss the future of the hotdog industry, which has been under fire in recent years by organizations like PETA, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, for the alleged inhumane conditions at several wiener dog ranches that provide meat for the tasty treats.  Shortly after the meeting adjourned, it was announced that the heads of all five manufacturers had agreed to phase out the use of actual dog meat in their products by early next year.

Tanner Brockett, a spokesman for the United Hotdog Association, claims the decision has less to do with the pressure of animal rights’ groups, and more to do with a dwindling supply of wiener dogs.

“First off, PETA has been flat-out wrong in their claims about the treatment of wiener dogs,” Brockett asserts, “Since 1997, all major US hotdog makers have been using 100% free range dogs for our meat.  These animals live happy lives before they are slaughtered.  The fact is, the American people eat hotdogs faster than these little guys can breed.  And that is the sole reason for this decision.”

Brockett says the hotdog industry faces an uncertain future, even as hotdog sales have been strong in recent years.  He would not confirm what meat product would replace wiener dog meat, but said several exciting developments were underway.

“We’ve looked at a number of different meat sources,” Brockett says, “But any hotdog lover will tell you that real dog meat is hard to beat.  It’s delicious, and the primary reason United Hotdog has been such a strong organization.  But our members will all tell you that we all expect to emerge from this transition even stronger.”

Willow Everest, a spokesman for PETA, calls the announcement a huge victory for animal rights’ activists across the world, and a major step towards repopulating the rapidly shrinking wiener dog population.

“Now we can focus on saving this majestic animal,” Everest says, “PETA has been incredibly worried about the fate of the standard wiener dog.  As you know, the giant wiener dog, which once boasted numbers in the tens of millions, is virtually extinct.  You can thank Oscar Mayer for that.  This is a huge victory for dog lovers.  Well, not so much hotdog lovers, I guess, but it’s still a victory.”



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