Before The Other Guys Break The News, We've Already Broken It

US Hotdog Makers to Stop Using Real Dog Meat

In Agriculture on April 18, 2014 at 3:51 am

Free-range wiener dogs

PORTLAND, OR–An American dietary staple is about to change forever.  Representatives from the five major US hotdog manufacturers met here today to discuss the future of the hotdog industry, which has been under fire in recent years by organizations like PETA, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, for the alleged inhumane conditions at several wiener dog ranches that provide meat for the tasty treats.  Shortly after the meeting adjourned, it was announced that the heads of all five manufacturers had agreed to phase out the use of actual dog meat in their products by early next year.

Tanner Brockett, a spokesman for the United Hotdog Association, claims the decision has less to do with the pressure of animal rights’ groups, and more to do with a dwindling supply of wiener dogs.

“First off, PETA has been flat-out wrong in their claims about the treatment of wiener dogs,” Brockett asserts, “Since 1997, all major US hotdog makers have been using 100% free range dogs for our meat.  These animals live happy lives before they are slaughtered.  The fact is, the American people eat hotdogs faster than these little guys can breed.  And that is the sole reason for this decision.”

Brockett says the hotdog industry faces an uncertain future, even as hotdog sales have been strong in recent years.  He would not confirm what meat product would replace wiener dog meat, but said several exciting developments were underway.

“We’ve looked at a number of different meat sources,” Brockett says, “But any hotdog lover will tell you that real dog meat is hard to beat.  It’s delicious, and the primary reason United Hotdog has been such a strong organization.  But our members will all tell you that we all expect to emerge from this transition even stronger.”

Willow Everest, a spokesman for PETA, calls the announcement a huge victory for animal rights’ activists across the world, and a major step towards repopulating the rapidly shrinking wiener dog population.

“Now we can focus on saving this majestic animal,” Everest says, “PETA has been incredibly worried about the fate of the standard wiener dog.  As you know, the giant wiener dog, which once boasted numbers in the tens of millions, is virtually extinct.  You can thank Oscar Meyer for that.  This is a huge victory for dog lovers.  Well, not so much hotdog lovers, I guess, but it’s still a victory.”

 

Johnny Manziel Flees to Canada to Avoid NFL Draft

In Sports on April 3, 2014 at 11:35 am

http://imagecprsports.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Johnny-Manziel.jpg

He ran the last hundred yards

TORONTO, ONTARIO–Former Texas A&M quarterback Johnny Manziel arrived here this morning, reportedly seeking amnesty to avoid being drafted into the National Football League.  Manziel, who won the Heisman Trophy, awarded annually to the most highly publicized collegiate quarterback, has cited his strong pacifist upbringing  as the catalyst for the surprising move.

Erik Burkhardt, Manziel’s agent, says he has attempted many times to convey to his client that the NFL Draft is completely different from the military draft, a system of conscription that was once used to supplement the United States armed forces in the event of a war.

“Johnny Manziel is a star athlete,” Burkhardt says, “He has been his entire life.  It’s common knowledge that star athletes have very little time to devote to schoolwork.  So he doesn’t have a strong grasp on general knowledge.  But we have time to get this all straightened out before the draft.”

The 2014 NFL Draft will be held at Radio City Music Hall in New York City on May 8-10.  Manziel has been projected by many analysts to he chosen early in the first round, perhaps with the first overall pick, which would be worth millions of dollars.

“Johnny doesn’t really understand metaphors or figurative language,” Burkhardt explains, “So when he sees video clips of NFL guys talk about ‘going to war’ or ‘fighting in the trenches’, he tends to take this stuff literally.”

Burkhardt says that Manziel has even discussed the possibility of converting to Islam, which he believes will make his decision more acceptable to his fans.

“He’s been trying to think of a cool-sounding Muslim name, but the best he’s come up with has been Muhammad Abdul Ali Jabbar Rothstein,” Burkhardt says, “He doesn’t really get religions either.  I guess we’re just lucky that smarts isn’t the kid’s strong suit, you know?  But, once I get him back in the U.S., some NFL team is gonna get themselves a hell of a quarterback.”

Study Suggests Fatass Kids More Likely to Develop Low Self Esteem

In Health on April 3, 2014 at 6:57 am

And epic beards

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND–A new study funded by the World Health Organization has found that fatass children are at a more than three times higher risk of developing low self esteem than normal, more attractive children.

Dr. Otto Heimlich, who authored the report, says the data is unclear as to why the chubby little fuckers are so goddamned sensitive, but calls the ultimate findings conclusive.

“For whatever reason, being a lard ass gives a child a lower sense of self worth,” Heimlich says, “Which makes very little sense, as feeding the fat sacks of shit can cost a family twice what it would to feed thin, good-looking kids.”

Heimlich suggests that paying extra for husky jeans and adult sized t-shirts can make raising fat fuck children even more of a financial burden on families in an increasingly unstable world economy.

“What lardo kids don’t seem to realize is that families put much more of an investment in their upbringing than healthy, popular, athletic kids,” Heimlich explains, “So why little Jumbo or Jumbette would have low self esteem is, essentially, a mystery.”

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